Growing up I never heard the word “sorry” go around. First, parents were never apologetic about their behavior and siblings were too caught up in rivalry to apologize. Saying sorry wasn’t something that I grew up around.
When I was a teenager, I remember the first time I used the word “sorry”. My older sister wanted to use the computer, a computer I had rescued from shut down many times. I kept it heavily guarded. If I fixed it, I get to keep an eye on it, I thought. This upset my older sister but she walked away, as the computer was password protected. I sat there with my decision, ruminating on what had just transpired. Why am I being so unfair I thought? Why am I being so controlling of a computer that was meant for all of us? It wasn’t long until the guilt settled in. I was wrong. I had to do something about it. So on I went to my sisters room… Knocking on the door… I waited for her response. To my surprise she opened her door, it wasn’t uncommon for her to ignore me all together. With what little courage I had, I said my first true apology.
“Hey… I just wanted to say that I am sorry for acting that way and not letting you use the computer, its not right and you can go ahead and use it”
While it was not easy to say and the seconds felt like an eternity, I witnessed my sister’s face soften. She accepted my apology and it was like we had unlocked a new level of life and relationship. From then on, I moved the computer out to the living room, to be shared with everyone. After all, saying you’re sorry needs to come with actual change.
Words have power but actions speak louder.
Since then I held apologies as something sacred. There needed to be some weight to them. But life taught me that for some people, throwing the word “sorry” without any accountability or change for one’s actions is just rushing to ignore the behavior all together. Sorry was beginning to lose all meaning. Sorry was beginning to sound like a keyword used when accountability for one’s actions was lacking. An apology should come with MORE than just the word sorry. Is this what people do? Saying sorry felt like insult to injury. And what is worse is that if you don’t accept an apology, you are in the wrong it seemed.
While I did forgive more times than I care to admit, I started realizing how saying sorry was a total cop out of true accountability. Especially if it didn’t come with an explanation about what they were sorry for. And more important if it didn’t come with NOT repeating their behavior. I started to resent the word “sorry”. What are you SORRY for? And why must your apology come with a BUT.. in the end?
While I realize that not a lot of people apologize, I can also realize when people take qualities you hold valuable and exploit them for their own gain. There is nothing wrong with saying you’re sorry but it should never be used as a means to repair the damage you’ve done. You can be apologetic but if it doesn’t come with honest reflection and accountability it’s NOT an apology. It is just putting a small bandaid on an open wound and ignoring it all together. What’s worse is reopening the wound.. and patching it up with the same old tired bandaid.. over and over again. Sorry…
|Molecular Rebirth | 
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